Monthly Archives: November 2005

Superman Rewritten

If you’re trying to develop a script for a Hollywood movie, you’ll get a lot of “Does it have to be that way?” questions from the studio executives. For example, someone might ask about one of the characters, “Does he have to stutter?” because that might make the film harder to enjoy, which would reduce the amount of money it could earn.

That’s a little less likely if the story is about the stutterer, although you never know. It’s not quite the same thing, but supposedly someone asked if Steve Martin’s character in Dirty Rotten Scoundrels had to spend so much time in a wheelchair.

It’s almost a game to make these up, asking about King Kong, “Does the ape have to be big?” Or about Dirty Harry, “Does he have to be so unpleasant?” Or about Superman, “Does he have to fly?”

Actually, that last one turns out not to be made up.

At least not according to this long and angry rant about the development process for the upcoming Superman movie. (Hat tip, Antigravitas) I’m not sure of its accuracy, but apparently the producers weren’t fans of the comic book and thought the flying scenes would be silly.

Other ideas considered for the movie:

  • Superman has a see-through suit that shows his internal organs.
  • Josh Hartnet as Superman
  • Punch up the action by surrounding Superman’s Fortress of Solitude with guards (showing a lack of understanding not only of the Superman character, but also of the word solitude).
  • David Duchovny as Superman.
  • Krypton didn’t blow up (yet somehow there’s still kryptonite).
  • Jim Caviezel as Superman.
  • Superman gets his powers from his suit.
  • Sean Penn as Superman.
  • Superman fights a giant spider (later used in Wild Wild West).
  • Evan Marriott as Superman (yes, that’s Joe Millionaire)
  • Superman dies, but Lois Lane bears his son who quickly (three weeks) grows up to replace him.
  • Justin Timberlake as superman (to which Timberlake replied “Whatever it is you’re smoking, I don’t want any part of it.”).
  • Matrix-style Kung Fu action.
  • Ashton Kutcher as Superman
  • Superman has the power of teleportation.

There’s a lot more if you have the stomach to read the whole thing.

All the time I was reading it, I kept thinking it was too bad they didn’t just turn it all over to someone with a good comic book track record, like Bryan Singer, who who made the X-Men movies.

So I checked the IMDB site, and it turns out that’s exactly what they did for Superman Returns, so there’s hope yet.

Miami Police, Supporting Terrorists?

Radley Balko points to an AP wire story about scary police-state tactics in Miami:

Miami police announced Monday they will stage random shows of force at hotels, banks and other public places to keep terrorists guessing and remind people to be vigilant.

Deputy Police Chief Frank Fernandez said officers might, for example, surround a bank building, check the IDs of everyone going in and out and hand out leaflets about terror threats.

“This is an in-your-face type of strategy. It’s letting the terrorists know we are out there,” Fernandez said.

Balko sums this up nicely:

If the terrorists hate us for our freedom, then holy shit are we ever appeasing the terrorists.

Buy Nothing Day

Today is Black Friday in the United States, the start of the Christmas shopping season. It’s also Buy Nothing Day, a day of protest against consumerism promoted by Adbusters magazine. But if they’re against consumerism, I wish they’d explain what they want to replace it with. If obtaining and consuming goods and services is not the purpose of our participation in the national economy, then what is?

They never say. Then again, nobody listens to them anyway.

Happy Thanksgiving Everybody!

I’m taking the day off from being pissed off about stuff.

Well, not really. I’m sure I’ll still be getting pissed off. I just won’t be blogging about it.

Probably.

Cursing Tim Cavanaugh

Curse you Tim Cavanaugh! Curse you for your slurs against Chicago’s finest culinary product!

This preening dickless bastard dares to impugn the wondrous food of the gods that is Chicago Pizza! That he apparently does so based solely on the claims of East Coast and foreign restaurants that claim to serve Chicago-style pizza just shows you what a biased, empty-headed, lazy “journalist” Tim Cavanaugh really is!

Check out this block-headed quote:

A few more successes like this and the truth that pizza is a thin, fused pastry that can only be ruined by toppings may begin to penetrate this bastion of thick-crust darkness.

Did he really say pizza is ruined by toppings? How clueless can one man get? That’s like saying that pornography is ruined by all the fucking!

A curse on you Tim Cavanaugh! A curse on you and your family even until the seventh generation!

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