I was thinking of reviewing tonight’s debate between Donald Trump and Joe Biden, but Michael Siegel has saved me the trouble by posting an anticipatory draft of his debate reaction piece ahead of time:
Overall, neither candidate scored big nor did either candidate damage himself irreparably. Biden was competent in his answers and Trump was … well, whatever his supporters want him to be. Both sides are out there right now proclaiming victory based on early polling and the response of their favored media outlets. Both sides are saying this proved the other candidate is too old and senile to govern. They are both right about the latter, but overall, it cancels out. I don’t expect the polls to move very much.
I suspect that once the debate has actually occurred, Siegel’s post will require only minor editorial alterations — mostly fixing typos. You should read the whole thing.
Nevertheless, in the spirit of William Safire’s famous never-delivered speech written for President Richard Nixon in case the moon landing failed, I have taken the liberty of preparing a few alternative paragraphs for Siegel to use in the event of several less-likely scenarios:
Americans are in mourning tonight, after President Donald Trump collapsed to the floor during his first debate with former Vice President Joe Biden. He was quickly carried away by paramedics, and doctors at University Hospitals Cleveland Medical Center say the president is unlikely to make it through the night. White House press secretary Kayleigh McEnany says that Trump appears to have suffered a massive stroke, which occurred approximately 14 minutes into a spirited and angry attack on former President Obama’s record in office…
Millions of American debate viewers remain in shock after witnessing former Vice President Joe Biden transform into a fanged and tentacled creature that proceeded to charge across the stage and gnaw off the face of debate moderator Chris Wallace. The creature then turned on President Trump but was repelled by gunfire from Secret Service agents before making its escape into the night. While experts debate over when the real Joe Biden was replaced by the shape shifter, Cleveland police have locked down the Case Western campus, and units of the FBI, Homeland Security, and the Ohio National Guard are patrolling the area while awaiting the arrival of special forces units to conduct room-to-room searches of all campus buildings. Residents are advised to remain indoors and not admit anyone, even people who appear to be known to them, until authorities can be certain…
In a surprise appearance, Kanye West leapt up on stage and snatched Joe Biden’s microphone, using it to deliver an impassioned speech about [insert topic here]. West’s last album, Jesus is King became the first to ever top the Billboard 200, Top R&B/Hip-Hop Albums, Top Rap Albums, Top Christian Albums and Top Gospel Albums all at the same time, and fans are eagerly awaiting his forthcoming tenth studio album, Donda: With Child, which missed its July release date. West was dressed in…
Tuesday night’s debate was interrupted briefly by several occurrences of a sound described by debate attendees as “mournful wailing, like a dying animal” from outside the auditorium. The source of the sound could not be located at the time, but experts listening to the tapes have tentatively identified it as the noise made by a herd of libertarianus Americanus when they feel left out of an election…
As expected, shortly after both candidates and their staff entourages entered the auditorium, it was quickly surrounded by combative masses of angry protesters from both the left and right. In a more surprising development — until now only whispered about in furtive conversations in dimly lit back rooms — the protesters and the auditorium were soon surrounded by a cordon of cars and light trucks, out of which emerged several groups of citizens who began deploying barbed wire and setting up spotlights. As the trapped candidates, protesters, and media looked on, bulldozers showed up to build a 20-foot berm, topped with with concertina wire, machinegun pits, and a scattering of claymore mines. For the last three hours, over 200 carpenters have been erecting plywood forms, and observers report a fleet of at least 150 cement trucks arriving to build what some are calling “the inner wall of the permanent sarcophagus”…
Only a few people waiting for admission outside the auditorium reported seeing a bright object moving across the night sky before passing from view to the east. Shortly thereafter, attendees began having trouble contacting relatives in Europe, a problem which was confirmed by news media trying to reach news desks in France, Berlin, and Venice. Crowds gathering on the Case Western campus were soon presented with a stunning view of curtains of glowing gasses rising over the northern and eastern horizons, and now bright incandescent blobs of ejected matter are erupting into the sky from the same direction, and concerns are mounting over loss of contact with Mumbai, London, Hong Kong, and parts of Australia. As we await the arrival of the shockwaves now visibly hurtling toward us, we ponder the meaning of our species’ brief tenure here on this fragile…
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