Kirsten Gillibrand Put a Kitten In A Blender

I have decided I can no longer remain silent, and it’s time to come forward with my story:

Last summer, on June 28th, I saw Arizona Congresswoman Kirsten Gillibrand place an 8-week old calico kitten in a DeWalt 5-quart blender and press the start button, killing it instantly. She then feasted hungrily on the bloody remains, consuming the poor creature, scales and all. It is the single most vile act of animal cruelty I have ever witnessed, and by coming forward now, I hope to put a spotlight on the problem of animal cruelty.

Update: It has come to my attention that Kirsten Gillibrand is actually a Senator. I regret the error, but I stand by the substance of my story, and by coming forward, I hope to put a spotlight on the problem of animal cruelty.

Update: A zoologist who reads my blog has pointed out that the material covering the skin of domestic cats is technically referred to as fur not scales. I acknowledge his superior grasp of feline anatomy and I regret my error, however I still stand by the substance of my story and I hope it will put a spotlight on the problem of cruelty to animals.

Update: Further research has revealed that Senator Gillibrand represents New York, not Arizona. I once witnessed Arizona Senator Tom Udall throw an armadillo in a wood chipper, and apparently in my emotional distress I had conflated the two incidents. I regret the error, but I stand by the substance of my story, which I hope to put a spotlight on the problem of mistreatment of animals.

Update: Friends have pointed out that on June 28th of last year I was actually in Kentucky attending the wedding of my cousin Margery. Still, I’m sure the incident must have been in June or early July. Maybe August. Anyway, I regret the error, but I stand by the substance of my story. And I hope this will put a spotlight on the problem of cruelty against animals.

Update: A spokesperson from the DeWalt corporation has apprised me of the fact that DeWalt is a manufacturer of portable power tools, not kitchen appliances. I once witnessed George Clooney cut the head off a goat with a reciprocating saw and I had conflated the two incidents. The implement used by Senator Gillibrand was actually a Hitachi blender. I apologize to the DeWalt corporation for my error, but I stand by the rest of my story, which I hope will put a spotlight on the problem of mistreatment of animals.

Update: Dearest visitors, loyal readers, it is with a heavy heart and a sorrowful soul that I put pen to paper to write this paragraph. After extensive consultation and prayer with my spiritual advisers, I have come to realize that I may have inadvertently posted a message earlier today that might have lead some readers to incorrectly conclude that I had seen New York Senator Kirsten Gillibrand kill a kitten in a blender and consume the entrails.

I apologize if any of you feel I may have mislead you, and while I regret the error, the issue of cruelty to animals is a serious one, so I hope it’s just putting more of a spotlight on the problem. I hope it’s not undermining our advocacy, because this is important.

I’m sure Senator Gillibrand will understand, because she expressed a similar sentiment when said she hopes the recent news coverage of the UVA campus rape hoax will put a spotlight on the problem of campus rape:

Update: I’m sorry. Every sane person knows that using false or highly suspect examples to support your argument is a good way to undermine the very cause you’re fighting for. I only wrote that earlier stuff because somebody gave me a bad batch of Flakka. I don’t know what Senator Gillibrand’s explanation is. Maybe she uses the same Flakka dealer.

(Hat tip: Simple Justice.)