An Urgent Legal Question About Ladies’ Undergarments

Lawyers in the blogosphere are always complaining that having a presence on the internet doesn’t bring them more business, just more people asking for free legal advice. Today, while cleaning out a bunch of spam email, I discovered that somebody was asking me for free legal advice.

Since I’m not a lawyer in any way, shape, or form, I figured I’d throw it out to all my readers, some of whom I believe are actual lawyers.

I came across your site / blog and I thought perhaps you could answer a question.  My 23 yr old sister has started making extra money selling her used panties.  Is there anything illegal in Illinois regarding buying or selling used panties?  I worry about her safety, but also the legality.  Perhaps, this would be an interesting topic for you as well.  Thanks

Used panties are not really a very interesting topic for me, thanks for asking. Nevertheless, I’m throwing it out for my readers. Any takers? Anyone want to jump in here? If you’re an Illinois laywer, this could be your chance to own the state’s used-panty legal advice market!

I’ve learned from long experience that nobody ever contributes anything if you just ask. But if you write something yourself, everybody will jump in to correct it. So here are my NON-LAWYER bits of advice to young ladies thinking of selling their unmentionables:

• Get advice from an actual lawyer.
• Illinois law enforcement is probably not the problem. Federal law enforcement is.
• Invest in a plastic bag sealing machine to keep in the freshness of that just-sweated scent.
• Just because it’s kinky doesn’t mean you won’t have to do all the paperwork any other business would have to do. If local authorities discover your activities, this is an easy way for them to make trouble for you.
• The limiting production factor is the time it takes to wear the panties long enough to impregnated them with the smell of a woman. To avoid idling the process, be sure to order new panties well before the last pair ships. Don’t forget you’ll need time for modeling and updating the web site before you can bring in new orders.
• There’s probably nothing illegal about selling used clothing or shipping it through the mail. But when you model the clothing and send flirtatious messages to customers, it becomes a sex-related business, and the government gets a little weird about stuff like that.
• Boyshorts are slower movers than you’d think. You’ll need them for completeness, but don’t let them build up in inventory.
• There’s a world of difference between soiled and wet. Shipping bodily fluids through the United States Postal Service is probably a very bad idea. You say “soiled panties,” the Postal Inspection Service says “biological hazard in contravention of anti-terrorism laws.” I made that up, but the post office really can be dickish about things like that.
• Including a “special” photograph and a hand-written perfumed note is a nice way to say “thank you” to a regular customer. Don’t put the note in the bag with the panties though, it ruins the smell.
• Always follow Mark Bennett’s million dollar legal advice.

That’s all I’ve got. Anybody else have suggestions? Corrections? Angry and abusive rants?