I had met my friend Fritz at a local pizza joint for some lunch, when we noticed something suspicious at another table: A couple of pasty-looking white guys, they had briefcases on the table and were exchanging things them while speaking in hushed tones. They wore paramilitary outfits — matching blue shirts and pants and matching blue jackets — and we could see suspicious shapes under their jackets, which had the letters I, C, and E on the back. I guessed that was a hidden reference to some sort of terrorist organization, possibly even the dreaded narco-terrorists, since everyone knows that “ice” is street slang for crystal meth.
We were concerned for our well-being and for those of other restaurant patrons, so Fritz counted quietly — one…two…THREE! — and we both leapt up and drew our weapons. Thanks to the exciting new gun laws here in Chicago, I was armed with my recently purchased Smith & Wesson 9mm pistol and Fritz had one of those blocky H&K USP pistols.
I yelled “Freeze! Don’t move!” while Fritz screamed “Hands up!” We had caught them cold. Both of them jerked their hands up as their eyes got real big, and I think one of them pissed his pants. Fritz maneuvered around behind them, and I started going through the contents of their briefcases, which turned out to be mostly shipping manifests of some kind. They had circled some items in red. Clearly, they were smuggling something into the country, possibly components for a dirty bomb.
When I questioned them, they claimed they were part of some government agency called “Immigration and Customs Enforcement” which seemed like something they made up to explain the lettering on the jacket. For one thing, everyone knows that it’s called the “Immigration and Nationalization Service.” More importantly, Chicago is hundreds of miles from any international border. They tried to explain this with some bullshit about O’Hare International Airport being nearby, so I shoved them both to the ground and Fritz stood on their heads for lying to us.
As it turned out, their story kind of checked out, so we had to let them go. Boy were they pissed off! All because we made a little mistake. They even threatened to arrest us, but what could they do? We hadn’t actually shot anybody, and that’s what counted, so we did absolutely nothing wrong.
As you probably guessed, none of that actually happened. I was just fantasizing about what it would be like if ordinary folks could get away with stuff just like law enforcement officers do. I was inspired by Brian Tannebaum’s post about some ICE agents who did pretty much that exact same thing to the Boveda family last week, and then explained that it was okay because nobody got hurt.
I’m thinking I could turn this into a series. Maybe next time I’ll fantasize about getting caught on video beating a helpless person senseless and getting away with it because the police felt the video didn’t show enough context to establish that I didn’t have a good reason.