A few years ago, my father went into the hospital and came out bedridden. Since then, my mother has been his primary care giver. She gets some assistance from a home care service, and my wife and I get over there a couple of times a week.
Looking back, she started getting tired a month or so ago. Two weeks ago, I took her to her doctor, who said she seemed mostly okay, but needed some changes to her medication.
Thursday, she called my wife and asked her to stop by and make dinner because she was too tired. She’s never done that before. Friday, she didn’t call, but I stopped in to see how she was doing, and she didn’t seem to be able to get out of bed because her legs were too sore.
Yesterday morning, we sent her to the hospital, where they diagnosed her with congestive heart failure. They’re dripping three different medications into her, and she’s on 100% oxygen.
I knew the day would come when my mother couldn’t take care of my dad any more, but somehow it managed to sneak up on me. I suspect my mother helped a bit by hiding her problems. She doesn’t want me to worry.
(I’ve got a medical power of attorney, so I’ll be able to get all the answers from her doctor.)
I’m staying overnight with my dad to take care of him. My wife will come by tomorrow to spell me for a while, then I’ll take over for another night. And then…
I’ve asked a friend to wipe the Windows 7 beta off my second computer and install a stable operating system and some development software on it so I can do productive work from here. I’ll pick up a cable internet box on Monday. And then…
And then…
I don’t know. Move in with dad? And mom when she gets back? Put dad in respite care? Put them both in a home? Sell our condo into this soft market and try to buy a house large enough for all four of us?
I’m filled with doubt and fear of the unknown. I’m angry at myself for not being ready. For not seeing it coming. For not having a better plan.
(Although I must admit, I’m one libertarian who is, at least for today, greatful for the highly-socialized healthcare available to seniors.)
Right now, I just woke up after a few hours sleep at dad’s house. He’s been sleepy and peaceful. It’s actually nice and quiet.
That’s deceptive, of course. In the morning, he’ll have demands. There will be meals, and changes of bedlinen, and medication, and laundry, and shopping, and housekeeping and God knows what else…I don’t know the daily routine of the household.
As the saying goes, blogging will be light…or at least a bit different.
Hang in there. You’ll do what you have to do and find the best path.
Hope the situation improves.
Thanks guys.
Yeah. What they said.
Thanks, Joel.
Mark, good luck. I hope the situation improves.
I’m at the point where I have to worry about the safety and comfort of two generations — my kids and my father. And my father is just as damned stubborn as me, so it’s no easy matter. I spend much more time every day dealing with the needs of the kids, but dealing with my father’s changing needs as he ages is much more difficult for me. I guess it’s because I’m having trouble being the one he looks to, rather being the one who looks to him, and neither of us is comfortable with his loss of autonomy.
But now that we live so long, it’s the human condition, I guess. I wish you well with your situation.
Thanks, Ken.
You know, despite all the recent evidence, it somehow still surprises me that my parents have become frail.
I Don’t Think We Are Every Really Prepared
I Have Always Thought About Getting a House With Inlaw
Rooms. For When the Time Comes For My Parents or Family Members in Need .
I Am Still Un-Prepared.
~You, Your Parents ,Wife & Family are in My Prayers~
Good luck, Mark. I went through this from 2001 through last 11/2007.
As an only child, I knew there could be care problems with my parents. Planning for care was complicated by not living near them (they were in Michigan, I was in Texas (then South Dakota and then Connecticut). My mother suffered from COPD, but my dad was like a rock and had been taking care of her for years. Then he started feeling poorly, and was soon diagnosed with esophageal cancer. That’s a nasty one because of the close vicinity to major blood vessels, heart, lungs, etc. Six months later he was gone.
My mother’s COPD was so advanced that she required 24/7 supervision and nursing care, so, despite wanting to care for her at home, we were forced to place her into a nursing home. Her COPD was so advanced that she suffered from hypoxic dementia which is similar to Alzheimer’s, but not progressive (long term memory fine, but after 20 minutes, her short term memory would recycle and start again). She passed this passed in November of 2007.
As an only child, I’m not sure how I could have handled the financial and emotional load. Thankfully, my wife has a large family and we found Mom a great home in Orlando near one of her sisters.
From my experience, I can only offer one major lesson learned: you need to have help, a team if you will, be it siblings, friends or case workers. God speed and I hope all goes well.
–Mike