Open Letter to a Hospital

I’m not really going to send this, but…

NAME OF HOSPITAL REDACTED
Attn: Billing Department

Dear Sir or Madam,

Earlier this year, a family member made several visits to your fine hospital. The treatment was excellant, and we are glad to have such a fine medical resource located so conveniently.

Shortly thereafter, however, we started receiving bills for those visits. Then we received more bills for different amounts, some higher, some lower. Some of them appeared to be duplicate bills. Others were a complete mystery.

As is my way with morons who ask me for money, I’ve been ignoring you. A few months ago, you threatened to turn my account over to a collection agency. I ignored that too, as I have no fear that you will ever get your act together to come after me, because, as I implied in the first sentence of this paragraph, you are morons.

It’s not that I haven’t been making payments. My payment strategy has been a little like adjusting a patient’s medication dosage through titration: I send you some money and see how many bills I get next month.

Through this method, I eventually figured out a few of your moronic accounting practices. For example, my family member was prescribed a dose of medication to be infused over a period of three days, and you appeared to have sent us three separate identical bills, one for each day, with each day’s infusion being billed to a separate account number.

To be clear, I doubt that you, dear letter reader, are a moron. Nor is your boss, the person handling my account, or any single employee of your fine institution. But somehow, in a way almost unique to hospitals, you exhibit the collective intelligence of a sponge. Dont feel bad; It’s probably not your fault.

I’ve just sent out checks for the final amount I think I owe you. We’ll see if I’m right.

Looking forward, I suggest you try a new technology that all the cool companies are using called a statement of account. I know this seems like a radical approach, but I think you will find people are more likely to pay you when you tell them how much they owe you, and why.

Sincerely,

Mark Draughn