[Be sure to read the comments: I wrote the first few of these here, but a lot of people have contributed some truly funny endings.]
The end of the Harry Potter series, as written by
Mario Puzo (The Godfather) :
Replacing the fallen Dumbledore as head of Hogwarts, Professor Minerva McGonagall proves to have balls of steel. In a well-coordinated series of carefully-timed attacks, the Order of the Phoenix kills every single Death Eater in a single night, settling all accounts.
John Grisham (The Firm, The Rainmaker, The Pelican Brief) :
Over the course of the book, Harry becomes disillusioned with the wizarding life as he realizes that it’s just endless conflict in the service of his corrupt and power-hungry masters. He and Ginny change their names and assume new identities so they can leave the wizarding world and live happily ever after.
George Lucas (American Graffiti, Star Wars, Star Wars, Star Wars, Star Wars, Star Wars, Star Wars) :
The battle between Harry and Voldemort comes to a close with an exciting magical glowing sword fight in the never-before-seen high-tech part of Hogwarts during which Voldemort reveals that he’s Harry’s real father. Then the Death Star blows up.
Joe Haldeman (The Forever War, Forever Free, Worlds Enough and Time) :
During the final confrontation, Neville Longbottom reveals unsuspected powers when he kills all the Death Eaters all over the world, including Lord Voldemort, by making them blow up into steaming bloody chunks. Neville explains that he is God The Creator Of The World in disguise, and then he blows up all the muggles in the world. God-Neville then proceeds to blow up all the all the wizards and witches in the world except Harry. Then he blows up Harry.
Dean Koontz (Bestselling Thriller Author) :
While Voldemort is preparing his final assault on Hogwarts, Arthur Weasley uses his knowledge of muggle artifacts come up with a plan to defeat Voldemort. He and Ron work desperately to connect the flue network to a fireplace in the house of a major Columbian drug lord. Harry and Hermione go through, stun everyone in the house, and steal all their Uzi submachineguns. When the Death Eaters arrive at Hogwarts, members of the Order of the Phoenix gun them down.
Joss Whedon (Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Angel, Firefly) :
As the conflict with Voldemort comes to a head, Ron Weasley is suddenly and shockingly killed. Hermione responds with steely determination, joined by Luna Lovegood, who turns out to be a rare witch who has super-powerful martial arts skills. While Harry tries ineffectively to help—often with comic results—Luna kills the Death Eaters with Unblockable Scorpion Kicks and Hermione defeats Voldemort in a head-on battle of magic.
Tom Clancy (The Hunt For Red October, The Sum of All Fears, Rainbow 6) :
All seems lost for Harry until the Voldemort problem is brought to the attention of American President Jack Ryan, who sends the Enterprise Carrier Group to defeat the Death Eaters in a series of air strikes. Distrustful of the Ministry of Magic, Harry Potter defects to the United States where he helps Ryan get elected to his fourth term as President.
David Chase (The Sopranos) :
Discouraged by Lord Voldemort’s tiresome battle against Harry Potter, Lucius Malfoy makes peace with Harry Potter in a bid to take over the Death Eaters for himself. Meanwhile, Alicia Spinnet spots Lord Voldemort in Diagon Alley and catches him by surprise, killing him easily. Through a strange series of random events, all Voldemort’s horcruxes are also destroyed. Thinking the danger is over, Harry, Ginny, Ron, and Hermione make plans to meet at the Three Broomsticks for butterbeers. Just as the last of them arrives
George Orwell:
“Harry had won the final battle with himself. He loved Lord Voldemort.”
(Kij Johnson actually came up with this one)
Another from Orwell:
“As the students looked in at the Death Eaters and the Order of the Phoenix, they could no longer tell one from the other.”
Terry Gilliam (taking seven years after the sixth film):
“An increasingly frustrated Harry acts out in violence. He questions who he is working for and whether any of it matters. Hogwarts is demolished by giant, poorly animated cats while Harry skulks. When the time comes to act, Harry fails and the timeline resets. Harry faints.”
BTW, Gilliam was supposedly Rowling’s preferred first pick to direct Sorcerer’s Stone.
Screen play for DEATHLY HALLOWS as authored by David Mamet:
EXT. HOGWARTS GROUNDS — NIGHT
Harry and Voldemort approach eatch other, wands at the ready.
HARRY
So..
VOL.
Yeah… you’re going to…
HARRY
Me?
VOL.
Uh…huh.
HARRY
No… you… it’s.. you who’ll
VOL.
Maybe… but…
HARRY
Guess we’d better…. with the…
Voldemort nods and they fling spells at one another.
FADE OUT
Harry gets up from the shiny ground. stands up..
and with his scar glowing he puts up his hand and says “no”
Voldemort’s spells stop in mid air and fall down in a watery splash of magic.
suddenly Voldemort’s mood changes from angry to scared and frightend.
As he flicks his wand harry jumps into Voldemort’s body and rips him into a million peices.
Harry Flex’s, and so does the walls around him.
he looks up (camara zoom out)
harry flys away.
Ernest Hemingway:
While on the run, Harry and Ron go fishing and talk about life and death. The night before the final battle at Hogwart’s, Harry and Ginny have one last fling. Ginny begs Harry to run away, but he knows he’ll have to face Voldemort one day or another.
In the final showdown, Harry and Voldemort kill each other at the same time. In the rain.
Dr. Seuss:
Harry:
“You tried to kill me with your wand.
You tried to kill me near a pond.
You killed my mommy and my dad,
And that’s what made me really mad.
You possessed my main squeeze little Ginny
when I whined my voice turned tinny.
I hate you truly, I really do
I’ll kill you now, and that is true.”
(Upon hearing this Voldemort drops dead from bad poetry)
Douglas Adams:
Harry wakes up to the sound of Voldemort demolishing Hogwarts to make way for a magical broom bypasss. As the only surviving pupil, he wanders the world with his friends Ron and Hermoine guided only by The Travelling Magician’s Magical Pocket Book, until, in an unexpected extra year at school, he discovers an alternate reality in which Hogwarts still exists and returns to complete his education. Hermione discovers a spell which will stop Voldemort from ever having existed, and they use it to gain victory, with the slight side effect that Ron and Hermione both cease to exist too.
Harry and Voldemort face off in the final battle in the great hall at Hogwarts. Voldemort at the top of the great staircase, Harry at the bottom. Voldemort screams “Avada Ke..”, then trips on his robes, falling down the steps and breaks his neck.
And um… the horcruxes didn’t work. It seemed like a good idea on paper, but…
Dan Brown – Dumbledore turns out to be the villain after all.
Enid Blyton
“This is their hideout,” whispered Harry. “We’ve found their hideout!”
“I say,” said Ron, “I don’t think we should be out this late, chaps, don’t you think we should Floo our parents and tell them where we are? After all, I think grown ups should deal with this.”
“I don’t have any parents,” wailed Harry, running towards where the Death Eaters were.
“Ron!” said Hermione, shrilly, “Now look at you’ve done!”
“Woof!” said Fang.
Everyone ran after Harry except Fang who ran back and got the grown ups. They arrested the Death Eaters and Voldemort was sent to prison for a Very Long Time.
“I say, that was an adventure, wasn’t it?” said Harry that night as they all had a midnight feast. “I wonder what will happen to us next?”
JRR Tolkien
Good guys win, bad guys lose. Yet, there are still 600 pages left in the book.
30 Pages of Ron going home,
40 more of Hermione going home. Crookshanks peed on the rug, 70 pages of cleaning that up.
30 more pages while Harry goes home.
Harry doesn’t like home, goes to visit Ron. (50 more pages). They go to the mall (20).
Someone mentions Dumbledore and they talk about him.. 75 more pages.
Appendix A – Entire text of ‘Hogwarts, A History’.
Appendix B – Muggles, and how they got that way.
Appendix C – A collection of songs, presented in their original Parselmouth language.
Appendix D – Detailed description of the flora and fauna of the forbidden forest.
Appendix E – Wand styles of the famous.
Appendix F – A treatise on Lucius Malfoy’s hair
Terry Goodkind:
Voldemort has now founded an evil and socialistic empire in which all Muggleborns, Muggles and magical creatures are convinced of their utter worthlessness. Bellatrix Lestrange decides to ensure that Harry not move against the Emperor Voldemort and puts a spell on Ginny that makes Ginny physically dependent on Bellatrix for her survival.
For some reason, Harry forgets all about Finite Incantatem and doesn’t try breaking the spell. Instead, he goes off with Bellatrix, lives a humble, useful existence in the Empire for some time, and eventually carves a statue of Dobby and Kreacher side by side that overwhelms all who see it with its power, hope and unearthly beauty. Voldemort orders it destroyed, and all the appreciators of kitschy art–which is pretty much the whole Empire–rise up and defeat him in the name of Harry, Ayn Rand and free-market capitalism.
Frank Herbert:
Voldemort wraps himself in a snakeskin, which grows onto him and transforms him into a giant version of Nagini. He becomes the God Emperor of the Wizarding World. Lucius Malfoy wanders off into the wilderness and may or may not be dead. Narcissa’s sister, St-Andromeda-of-the-Knife, fights valiantly for her family and against its enemies, which is difficult, because some of the family IS its own enemy. Luna Lovegood becomes a Reverend Mother, which means that for a change, all of her odd pronouncements are taken seriously and presumed to make sense. Harry is revealed to be a ghola of a defective mentat that is not being allowed to die.
Ultimately, it is revealed that as terrible as Voldemort’s actions were, they have actually saved the world and humanity, and probably galactic civilisation as the universe will one day know it. Harry weeps in the end, saying that Voldemort was always the stronger.
Robert Jordan:
All of the dead characters get resurrected except for Sirius (who is clearly going to return from the gate in a later book). Instead of doing anything himself, Voldemort sends out his most powerful lieutenants who cook up increasingly complex schemes that are outwitted by whiny teenagers. All of the women now have horribly bad sinus problems and wind up obsessively smoothing their breasts and folding their arms under their skirts (wait … I think I have that backward).
Harry is now part of an increasingly irritating menage a quatre involving Ginny, Cho, and Luna Lovegood–all of whom turn out to be leaders of wizarding tribes. Ron winds up having to kidnap Hermione to fulfill a prophecy while dice tumble in his head. All this while Neville grows a beard, gives up his wand for an axe, and chases after his true love (who was kidnapped in book 2).
Oh, and there are at least 7 more books to be written.
Stephen King:
The good guys win.
They gather in the Great Hall for a huge party.
Then, the Great Hall eats them.
Harlan Ellison:
Harry’s sanity finally fractures copiously breaking open unspoken magic that pours from his wand crushing Voldemort and all the horcruxes instantaneously. As he goes trudging up to the castle Fang comes bounding up with a few cans of butter beer.
“Did you catch scent of that Ginny girl Fang?” Harry asked impatiently grabbing a can from the dog’s jowls.
Fang replied with his usual almost bored tenor, “She’s amongst many females but I did catch her scent near the castle.”
Harry smiled, “Good.”
Herman Melville:
Call me Voldemort
Jane Austen:
Harry, Ron and Hermione travel back in time to a ball Voldemort attended as a young man to try to learn more about where the Horcruxes might be. The young Tom Riddle sees Hermione across the room and is struck by her beauty. He asks her to dance but she snubs him, which infuriates him, but also makes him instantly in love with her. He asks all his friends who she is and is shocked to find out she’s muggle-born. For days he tries to go on being evil, but with Hermione showing up everywhere he goes, he gives in, and confesses his love to her. Hermione is frightened. She and the others quickly flee back to the present time, but the young Voldemort follows them. Hermione grows to love him in return as he uses his power for good to try and impress her, and he is kind of cute after all. The world is saved and Tom and Hermione have a double wedding with Harry and Ginny.
Scooby Doo
As Lord Voldemort draws his last breath, he utters, “And I would have succeeded taking over the world if it weren’t for YOU meddling kids.”
Issac Asimov:
After leaving the children on the platform to go to Hogwarts, a little marked even takes place in a nearby cave where a figure appears out of thin air to begin speaking about how events should have brought Harry Potter to his final end and that Lord Voldemort will now usher in a period of 10 million years of dark magic which will then give way to total isolation of the wizarding community from the newly evolving intelligent hamster population which has been found to be completely impervious to all forms of human magic.
The only individual around to hear this proclamation is a small newt who, if he could have, would have delivered the information except that he was captured soon afterwards and eventually ended up in a potion which managed to further mess up the whole time line until everyone was so thoroughly confused that they all just took a nap.
Harry Potter weaks up and discovers that everything has been a long seven hour dream (each novel a very-intense dream). He faces his reality as a transexual stripper living in Buffalo, NY. He knows that life has no meaning now that Henry (a.k.a Hermoine, his dancing pal) has left town. Their latest heroin dealers (Dumb and Dolr) are after his track ’cause both Hermoine and Harry are due on payment.
Harry picks up the phone and calls home to painfully learn that his abusive father, Ron, has got a heart attack last night. Harry’s mother, Ginny, shouts at him blamming him of everything:
– If only you have shut your mouth! Why telling everything to the Police?!
Harry hangs up and makes a new call to his pimp Hagrid, he begs for money to pay the drug debt and start a new life as a young politician with a dream: Encourage children in reading real literature!
Mark Twain
Harry goes and takes the Horcruxes for himself. Then he buries them somewhere. Voldemort goes and tries to kill Harry, but he falls to the river and drowns.
Harry and Ron go fishing, and Ginny and Hermione do femenine stuff. They accidentally find the horcruxes, blame Harry and Ron, who end up painting Hogwarts’ gates, closely watched by McGonagall.
Harry tricks Neville who ends up painting instead, while Harry eats chauldron pie.
Anyone who talks about this will be shot.
Matthew Graham:
Harry realizes that his struggle against Voldemort is a mere dream he’s having whilst in a coma. The only way he can wake up from it is by betraying the Order. Reluctantly, he does so and awakens in he real world, living happily with his parents in a world where Voldemort never existed. Harry realizes that this life lacks any meaning and so he jumps off a building, putting himself back in a coma. In his dream, he rescues the Order and defeats Voldemort. He never returns to his real life but he is happier in the dream anyway.
H.P. Lovecraft
Harry open the door to the pit. The fowl air was noxious and noisome. Below opened an abyss that sank into the eternal darkness. I knew that this was the last know resting place of The Necronomicon, the fowl grimary of the mad Arab Abdul Alhazred. Ron’s dream quest into the unknown regions of Kadath had led him to Nyarlathotep. It was he who shared with Ron the secret of the book, its power over life and death – time and space. Ron fought many dark beasts to return to Harry and give him this information. It cost him his sanity and he now resides in a well padded cell screaming about the Great Old One pressing into this dimension.
Harry climbed down the Abyss. Compelled forward by his obsession with Valdemort. I followed his lead. Down the stairs we went fighting despair and repulsion each step. There we found The Necronomicon. Harry read its pages the strain of what if told showed on his face, so furrowed was his brow that even his lightening scar was obscured. Then his eyes lit upon a passage, which he reviewed several times. He look to me and said I have found it and spoke a single word. “Azathoth”. I am not certain of what happened next. I ran as if the devil was on my heels. If only it was Satan I could perhaps sleep but the evil Harry brought to us is beyond mere words. I know only that as I fled the shadows on the cave walls suggested to me that Harry’s skull was made to burst by some unseen inhuman hand. It was this incomprehensible horror from which I ran.
As I write this I know I will not last to the end of this night. We have brought the ruin of all. I have seen what is following. A gun, a bullet and I will find peace. Azathoth, that last amorphous blight of nethermost confusion which blasphemies and bubbles at the center of all infinity—the boundless daemon sultan Azathoth, whose name no lips dare speak aloud, and who gnaws hungrily in inconceivable, unlighted chambers beyond time amidst the muffled, maddening beating of vile drums and the thin monotonous whine of accursed flutes. Azathoth, the crawling chaos, came when Harry called.
Voldemort raised his wand, the dreadful words for the killing curse leaving his mouth before he realized what he was doing.
Potter, nimble as always, dodged like a cat from a spritz of water narrowly missing his own death. The spell ricochet off a nearby suit of armor… and collided with Nagini.
“MY SNAKE!” Voldemort wailed, racing to the thick, if limp, snake’s side. He groped, tugging it’s full length into his lap. Tears began to pour down his face as he realized he would never kiss her head again. Never watch her writhe beneath his touch…
“Sectumsempra!” He snarled, wand drawing bone-deep slashes out of both wrists. He lie down, stroking his limp snake, ignoring the pain from his arms.
His lasts words echoed around the hall-“My poor old snake…”
C.S. Lewis:
When Ron, Hermione, and Harry were on the platform waiting for the train to Hogwarts, they were actually struck and killed by the derailed Hogwarts Express. Dumbledore is resurrected by a magic older than time and leads everyone to a new “Hogwarts”. All of this is really just a Christian allegory though.
Chuck Palahniuk (Fight Club):
It turns out Harry and Voldemort are in fact the same person. Voldemort has just been taking over while Harry has been “sleeping” Harry slowly unravels his own plot to blow up Hogwarts and Voldemort wanting to sacrifice himself as part of Project Death Eaters. There’s a huge standoff between Harry and himself on the roof where he holds himself at gunpoint. Ginny comes to the roof and Harry finally manages to push out Voldemort from his mind. The bombs fail to explode but Harry realizes the only way to get rid of Voldemort is to kill himself. He sticks his wand up his throat and fires a killing curse at himself.
Faulkner:
Voldemort cries as he dies, “My mother is a fish.”
Terry Pratchett:
Voldemort kills Harry right off the bat, and Death and Harry romp around wittily for the next hundred pages while hilariously confusing things happen to the students at Hogwarts, who have all inexplicably become fat old men with silly names and violent deathwishes for one another. Madam Pince becomes a giant monkey. Harry declares himself a Great Wizzard and has a battle to the death with Death to win the hand of Ginny, who is somehow now his adopted daughter. The new Minister of Magic is a clever fellow who dresses in black and strikes fear in the heart of all who see him and his arching eyebrows. The Aurors are revealed to be bumbling but stalwart and goodhearted chaps, and Moody, their leader, marries McGonagall and has an extraordinarily late child with her, thus revealing his charming fatherly tendencies. Hermione, Ginny, Luna, and Fleur form a band of comic female magic-workers and star in several adventures of their own before the entire book ends when Harry falls off the edge of the world. Luckily, at the beginning of the next book this won’t matter, since some totally unexplained magical phenomenon will reverse all ill effects accumulated in this book and deposit Harry upside-down in a tree outside Hogsmeade.
George R. R. Martin (Song of Ice and Fire):
Almost all of characters appeared to play their own game. Half of them are killing each other. Then Harry fly to Romania, fetch some dragons and burns down the other half.
Homer
Harry kills Voldemort and gets lost on his way home where he outsmarts a Cyclops, runs into some Lotus eaters, hears the song of the Sirens, sleeps with a goddess, travels to Hades to talk to his mum, dad, and Sirius, and returns home, where Ginny has been waiting chastely for him for twenty years. Killing Voldemort wasn’t enough though, and he has to kill some suitors and hang some handmaidens, making him a truly complex character.
Orson Welles:
Harry dies. A bunch of crap happens, but nobody’s actually seen the movie nowadays so it really doesn’t matter. “Voldemort” was the name of Harry’s sled; this is a “twist ending”, but everybody already knew this before having watched the movie. A newspaper magnate blows a gasket.
L. Frank Baum:
“Oh, Auntie Petunia–there’s no place like home!”
Stanley R. Greenberg:
The plot from J. K. Rowling’s books is very, very, very, very, very loosely lifted for the movie. The entire plot is changed. Bertie Bott’s Every Flavour Beans is people, but everybody knows this before they ever watch the movie. Nobody knows who Stanley R. Greenberg is.
Team Silent:
Ginny becomes sick and dies. Harry is pursued throughout Hogwarts by a seemingly invincible Voldemort. Later he meets the provocatively-dressed Virginia, who looks exactly like Ginny but acts nothing like her, attempting to seduce Harry at every opportunity. Voldemort narrowly catches Virginia, killing her before Harry’s eyes, but Harry escapes. Harry later inexplicably finds Virginia in a prison cell before she is killed by Voldemort again. Ron, having been completely psychotic the entire time, turns on Harry and Harry is forced to kill him. Harry discovers that he in fact murdered Ginny and afterwards convinced himself that her sickness was what killed her. Hermione resigns herself to a hellish existence. Harry finds Virginia, who is then killed by Voldemort However, Harry then realizes that Virginia and Voldemort are nothing more than delusions created by the town and his own mind as a form of punishment. Once Harry realizes this epiphany, Voldemort kills himself.
Mark Tinker:
Harry defeats Voldemort. Cut to: Harry staring into a snowglobe. Ron, Harry’s father, a blue-collar worker of some sort, enters the apartment and greets Hermione, Harry’s mother. Ron: “I don’t understand this autism. I talk to my boy, but…I’m not even sure if he ever hears me…Harry’s locked inside his own world. Staring at that toy all day long. What does he think about?” All three exit. Close up on snowglobe, with model of Hogwarts inside. Fade out.
Ambrose Bierce:
Harry is about to be killed by Voldemort. He narrowly escapes avoiding enemy wizards, almost making it back to Ginny. Voldemort stands over Harry’s dead body.
Hideaki Anno:
Harry has been playing into Voldemort’s hands all along, and is absorbed by a giant, ghostly Sirius Black that rises from the depths of Hogwarts. Everyone explodes into orange goo. A bitter fanwar erupts over whether Cho or Ginny was a better match for Harry.
Harry Potter And The Deathly Hollows : Michael Moore Style
Harry leads a camera crew to find out all the things that the Ministry of Magic neglected to show, only to reveal the bad things happening at Azkaban. He goes to trial against the Ministry of Magic to defend the Deatheaters rights as wizards. When Harry gets them released, he goes on to get assasinated at the opening of the show by the same people he was trying to save.
Kevin Smith:
After Voldemort’s defeat, Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Ginny move to New Jersey. They have long, verbose conversations about genitalia and Star Wars. Jay and Silent Bob show up for some reason. Lots of swearing and cigarette smoke.
H.G. Wells:
Voldemort and the Death Eaters take over the entire world in gigantic unstoppable war machines that are invulnerable to magic. They’ve been planning this for millions of years, only choosing to do so when there is a potential threat to deal with. Eventually, when every good magician and magical creature is under control, they get out to go for a stroll. The Order of the Phoenix looks on aghast as Voldemort and the Death Eaters die almost instantly from colds and the flu. Steven Spielberg makes a Tom Cruise movie out of the story nearly 110 years later.
Geoffrey Chaucer:
Euerywun is hauing a merri olde tyme. Farte yokes and other scatologycale humour are prouyded, and the hole thyng is the noghty tales as tolde by J.K. Rowlinge tew a grup of trauelers on the morn Tyube to werk.
From a scene of Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead by Tom Stoppard:
Voldemort: Did you ever think of yourself as actually dead, lying in a grave with a stone on it?
Harry: No. Like Dumbledore? Whose grave you desecrated to get the Elder W….
Voldemort: Neither do I. Why be depressed? It’s like being alive. One forgets that one is dead, and that matters, doesn’t it? Would you know you were dead, and under a stone? It would be just like you are asleep. Of course, you probably wouldn’t like to sleep under a heavy stone, with all the ground under you and around you and in your nose. You’d wake up, and you’d be dead, and then where would you be? In the ground under a bloody stone, that’s where. That’s what I don’t like, because you’d be trapped, right? And there forever and not even know you’re dead. It’s not right. If I asked you now, “I’m going to point my wand at you and mutter a killing curse and then put you under the ground with a big heavy stone with your name on top of you. Now, would you rather be alive or dead?” naturally you’d prefer to be alive. Life in the ground with the dirt in your nose is better than no life at all. You might get out. You would lie there thinking about how you are not dead and in a minute Hermione or Ginny or Ron or that useless Neville, well maybe not Neville, will point their wand at the stone and get you out.
[points wand at ground and makes a whooshing noise]
Voldemort: “Hey, Harry Potter. Stop wasting time and come out from under that stone!”
Harry: [long pause] I think I’m going to kill you.
Ian Rankin version
Its raining, some would say “dreech”. Harry struggles as he puts one last John Martyn track onto his Ipod, lights a furtive cigarette & has a swift nip of old man Weasley’s Lagavulin as he surveys the scene. The Weasleys, all of them, are dead, and he knows why.
On his way to meet up with the surviving members of the order of the pheonix he stops at a coffee hut for an overpriced latte, drinks half, bins it & drops into the closest cleanish looking bar for a swift half, cursing constantly about the smoking ban & state of “the Hibs” this year.
On meeting the order, Hermione in her organised yet slightly stuffy ways reinforces conclusions Harry had pretty much got to. McGonagle reminds him that his “robe is on a very shaky peg”.
Harry rants breifly yet powerfully & storms off, fumbling for another ciggy, cant get Thin Lizzy’s “Whiskey in the Jar” out of his head, doesnt much care. Gets on broom, flies round to see the Malfoys, stopping only to grab a lunchtime pint at the Ox.
Draco Malfoy answers the door & is headbutted by Harry, his nose exploding in a soggy mess, Lucious storms forward to aid his son. But Harry, in unconcealed rage grabs him by the scrotum & twists, forcing an answer out of him, before delivering a sharp knee to Malfoy senior’s groin & exits in a foul mood & making off with his whisky.
Voldemort on hearing from Malfoy is prepared, wand in hand on the steps of Hogwarts to face the boy wizard, but he’s not prepared enough. Harry, now driving the Weasley’s old Ford Anglia floors it, the mix tape he got from Hermione not improvbing his mood.
Lots of swearing, a few ciggys more, parks on Voldemort’s chest & delivers a hard boot heel to Voldemort’s temple. Then goes for a pint.
the end
Plato:
Voldemort: ‘After I thrash you, Potter, I shall do good to the wizzarding world and cleanse it of Mudblood filth!’
H.P.: ‘Ah, that is an interesting thing to say, my good fellow. But, what exactly is this “good” you are talking about?’
V: ‘?!?’
H.P.: ‘You see, Thomas, people often speak about such things as “good” and “beautiful” with ardent fervour, but with as much sense as if they had been confunded by the Elder Wand.’
V: ‘I shall have no more of your mind-twisting trickery! Avada Keda…’
H.P.: ‘Now, now! Let us not be so rash! We have not yet determined if killing me – or, anyone else, for that matter – actually is GOOD in a way that everyone’s rational part of the soul, if sincere in its gaze, would immediately recognize as pure, shining and universal as the Sun of reason. Let’s say we talk about this over an olive or two, shall we?’ (…)
A big fight happens outside Hagrid’s cottage between everyone but Harry somehow manages to escape into the castle.
He comes across the ghost of Dumbledore. The ghost starts crying and whispers ” Harry I was wrong. There are no such things as horcruxes. It’s a trick”
Harry then runs outside and tells nearly everyone on their side of the fight what he just found out.
Then it started raining – but it wasn’t normal – it was acid. And that is how everyone died. The end!!
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, as written by Orson Scott Card:
Harry is trained by a succession of mentors, and is tricked into gathering the horcruxes. He fights in what he believes to be a simulated battle, using enchanted figurines and creatures, only to discover that he has unknowingly destroyed Voldemort and the alien planet from whenst he came in the process. Harry is dumbfounded and depressed about this trickery, and leaves earth with Ginny, to escape from his past. They inhabit an enchanted RV (which flies through space) for several years while they travel to another solar system at lightspeed. Time passes slowly for them, and on earth, al that they know and love withers and dies, and a new empire, controlled by rabid penguins, rises. Sadly, they know none of this. As they leave the solar system, their powers wane and die, and they land on an empty planet only an inch from being muggles. They build an empire over the course of several millenia, and live to an old age. Harry writes books about his past and the past of humanity under the name “talker for the completely annhiliated”. His books include such titles as “The Minister” and “The Dark King”. He and ginny die ninety years after leaving earth, surrounded by the futuristic and technological society which they built.
Terry Brooks version –> Main characters spent most of their time gallivanting around the woods with no real destination while trying to evade capture …oh, wait… never mind.
Online game style…
Harry mines the adamantium rocks for 650 pages, and eventually sells all he mined to buy a +50 wand that violates 4 different kinds of copyright as well as being an unique item on the server except for the other wand just like it but with a +48 bonus instead.
On page 652 the wand is nerfed by the dev team ’cause voldemort (an original designer of the game) says he got obliterated in 3 seconds because Harry did 3 critical hits in a row (which isn’t true, voldemort just got an illegal spellcasting macro messed up by a split second of lag).
There is a rollback which saves voldemort, which doesn’t save all the death eaters dead in page 651, and it’s all allowed by the horcruxes… seven discontinued items who were never documented until Voldemort bought them all for 25 gold coins each (i.e. half the price you can get for selling the rusty bronze axe level 1 noobs are born with).
Hermione makes no 1 in exp points gained today for the 13th time in a row, and is banned because her efficiency makes her undifferentiable from an exp farming bot script (not to mention the 48 hours a day of being log on). So in misled revenge she pwns voldemort the very next day from a hacked account, causing him permadeath. Funny thing Voldemort had nothing to do with Hermione losing her account…
Ginny is still level 4 because of excessive roleplaying, and says to Hermione… can I please have free stuff? You’ve got Voldemort’s stuff and it’s too low level for you blah blah blah… hermione was about to reconsider Ginny’s friendship when version 2 of the game comes out, and all version 1 accounts are abandoned by players and all is forgiven since everyone takes new names and you can’t tell who is who.
D&D style:
Harry sells all his possessions that are not directly useful for his end fight with Voldemort, and uses it to buy buffing scrolls, potions of heal, and sequencer robes. He fully buffs himself and is ready for the heaviest fight of the series.. and then lucks out because Voldemort fails his saving throw on the very first (instant-death) spell Harry throws at him.
Philip K. Dick style:
Harry, upon walking into the great hall is hit by Voldemort’s worst curse: toomuchus acidus, instantly sending Harry into yet unconquered plains of his unconscious mind. After 10 hours of balls to the wall tripping Harry is informed by Ron that Hogwarts is not real, but merely the result of Harry’s long term psychosis exponentiated by the massive amounts of LSD that his mother took during pregnancy. In reality, Harry is sealed in a padded room that exists some time after the third world war.
Or is he?….
Ending Kevin J Anderson style (Star wars)
Harry has defeated Voldemort, and years later and a few badly-written comics, has become a wimp. He decides to become a trainer for new students, but one of them, another “Hermione” but better, discovers an all-powerful solar weapon, and steals it after being lured away by a malignant spirit (peeves). Harry then chases after Peeves and “Skip flurron” to regain the weapon, and prevent the destruction of everything he knew. Dumbledore has been poisoned.
All through this, the talk about The “Philosopher’s stone” is happening. It is talked about for pages and pages when Harry isn’t on the Screen. Ron and Hermione come across it randomly in a “Bottomless pit”, destroy it, and leave.
Skip is finally caught by Harry who tells him all can be forgiven. Skip cries, flies off, and and destroys himself and the solar weapon.
Meanwhile, Dumbledore is healed by a fledgling student with “magical powers” that nobody has ever seen before. in his health, he resigns from Hogwarts, and some other Git is put in charge. The rest of the series is boring an uninspiring, but gets Anderson more work on spinoff series from other publishers.
Lilian Jackson-Braun style
Harry leisurely wanders around Hogwarts and Hogsmeade talking to everyone and collecting their stories about his parents and the good old days. He plans to write a book and donate the profits to S.P.E.W. Occasionally he finds that someone could use some monitary help so he arranges to provide some gold galleons from the P fund set up at Gringotts. One night he and his old pal Ron Weasley get together in the Gryffindor common room to drink butterbeer and talk about the old days when they were in potions class together. Suddenly they hear a horrible wailing. It’s Crookshank’s death howl. Mad Eye is dead! It’s a mystery.
Harry continues to talk to people and wonders who could have done this. Crookshanks keeps knocking books off the shelf including Tom Riddle’s diary. Harry finally figures out Voldemort must be behind this and sets out to stop him. While fighting Voldemort is killed in a freak accident by his own hand. Harry and everyone in the wizarding world live happily after that. Harry has dinner with his female friend Ginny every week but they never get married because their owls are incompatible.
Some of these are very funny!
Wachowski Bros. Style:
Around the halfway point, Harry faints for no discernible reason. He regains conciousness in a white train station where a hobo-looking man refuses to let him leave ‘until the Frenchman says so’, or until he’s finished some philosophical musings.
Voldemort’s power has gone out of control, and he has learned to replicate his soul into other bodies and control them. Harry and Ginny journey to make the peace with Lucius Malfoy, during which Ginny is killed and Harry blinded. Despite being blind, approaching the final battle he sees millions of Voldemort copies awaiting him… ‘Mr. Potter! WELCOME BACK! We missed you!’
SO, it started off with harry potter runing down the stairs for his birdthday
when sudddenley he sees ginny, while nobodys looking they go in the
bathroom and have an orgi with Crookshanks, after which ginny turns
out to be Lord Voldemort with polyjuice potion. HARRY POTTER-OUTRAGED
has one more go at the fake ginny then half way threw the “activities”
voldemort returns to his body NAKED and harry cuts his penis off. 10 minutes
later he cums down stairs sees ginny and does it again, then it turned out
to be professor dumbldore smiling up at him. HARRY POTER AGAIN OUTRAGED
races downstairs to find 10 fake ginny ready to “be” with him. HE LATER
DIES OF AN STD.
harry potter alternate ending
harry goes back to school and voldemort comes. harry gets extreamly depressed and says “kill me now! i want to leave this world!” voldemort says “but harry i want to have some strawberry ice cream with you!!” harry agrees “ok voldemort *snif snif* ill have some with you” and follows. voldemort gives him the ice cream then cries “ha ha ha! you have just eaten the last ice cream in the world!” harry is so sad he dies and voldemort meant to kill harry fandref so he dies of sadness also.
THE END
Dallas ending:
Hermione wakes up and is quite disoriented. As she gets up she feels like she’s had the wildest of dreams but can’t remember any of it. She makes her way to the bathroom and realizes that someone is in the shower. Hermione then opens the shower curtain to find Harry all lathered up inside. Harry smiles at her and says, “Mornin’ Luv.” She then falls to the floor and as she passes out she thinks, “It couldn’t have all been a dream, could it?”
Yasunari Kawabata ending
Harry returned to his foster family house while his aunt is filling black puddings with dried pig blood, his fat cousin who they call “Koko” is raking the leaves in the garden.
“Where is your husband” He asks without looking at his aunt. “He died a couple of years ago. We’re going to the temple this afternoon to take black pudding and rice cakes to his grave.”
He nodded silently and decided not to say anything about his marriage or his years following Voldemort. The orange leaves were the color of the twilight sun and the rained in the garden while Koko raked patiently.
no shakespeare?
Kafka:
Voldemort struggles to gain entrance to Hogwarts so that he may assist in the destruction of the Death Eaters. Upon reaching the main hall, he is forced to reluctantly square off against Harry Potter, guided by Lucius’ misguided advice, in an epic final battle, despite having not ever done anything wrong.
He resigns himself to his fate, choosing to have Harry use a killing curse, rather than firing one himself and having it deflected, in an act of suicide. On his tombstone, his name is misspelled.
Harry’s victory is ultimately received with little fanfare, except by Hermione, whose attempts to remain optimistic are partially a result of her encroaching insanity. Harry falls into a deep depression and disillusionment with the school faculty, and returns home to the Dursleys.
One night under the staircase, Harry awakens as a large bug of indiscriminate origin. The Dursleys attempt to preserve his life for a short time, before succumbing to exhaustion over their plight and starving him.
Dudley goes on to become a very successful lawyer, who marries rich and dies at an old age, surrounded by insincere yet appreciative friends.
James Joyce:
Harry and the mnixess’t ol’ doley Voldey mort mneander down the prix-brillig toe path realizing twas nearly hunnerds of years ago that me’am starts death the eaters yet hearty hardy harry twissts thizductiously and then once and fatefull’n’all his eyes by chance glance and his mouth a-mutterin do do you love me and Voldemort looks and yes and I and yes and so happy and yes and he loves me
That just makes my head hurt…so, nice job!
Jack Kerouac
Harry can either fight Voldemort to the death or sacrifice himself to save his friends. He decides he doesn’t like either option, and hits the road with Ron, looking for something better. They hitchhike, drive, and have several adventures in sex and booze. Harry lives through a series of events that are not particularly dramatic, but he views them with enough angst and wonder to make them interesting. A generation identifies with his unfulfilled outlook and the Beat generation is born.
Tom Woolf
He’s magic man! The real deal, Harry is, and he’ll blow your mind and shake your soul until the whole precepts you’ve built your life around crumble like the Walls of Jericho and all you can see is the LIME:::LIGHT:::and it sparkles Harry’s eyes and he doesn’t see Voldemort’s shiny spell flying at him until its too late and Harry’s on the ground and the Universe is rebuilding itself around him and all he can think about is the bridge of stars climbing up, up, up from his chest into the Holy Night Sky.
Hunter S. Thompson
Journalist Roule Duke and his Mexican sidekick Doctor Gonzo are on had to witness and report on the wizard’s duel of the century for the Daily Prophet, but Duke is far more interested in describing the cornucopia of uppers, downers, narcs, bennies, powders and pills he’s got in his pockets. In an ether induced haze the two stumble in between Harry and Voldemort, shout incoherently, vomit on Prof. McGonagall’s feet, and briefly reminisce about the end of the 60s. Finally Gonzo swears Hermoine is in love with him, pulls out a knife, and they both pass out. Duke later writes the story from his point of view for Rolling Stone magazine.
Warren Ellis
Harry pulls out his bowel disruptor and sets it to “projectile diarrhea”. Voldemort is hit and sprays poop all over the Death Eater’s, lingering for several seconds on Draco Malfoy. Suddenly Col. Dirk Anger, the mastermind who has been pulling Voldemort’s strings the entire time, emerges from the shadows. He promptly commits suicide in the most impossible and hilarious way imaginable. Hermoine has magical breast enhancement surgery and fucks the shit out of Ron, who unfortunately can’t get off without a picture of Godzilla and a sack full of saline. Hagrid reveals his lust for magical creatures in a series of successful direct-to-Internet pornos.
I found this through stumble, just wanted to thank you for making a very jaded person laugh very hard
Thanks. What really makes it work is all the variations contributed by everyone else. Hilarious stuff.
(And how jaded can you be if you follow Harry Potter?)
Shakespeare (written very quickly :P)
But time may come again when paths align
Through stars against a force of time and space
When they all turned cheek against the crime
That he Lord Voldemort had set in place
For in that time what peace may take of man
Pitiless for all thou struggles still
Come forth the villains, the creatures of the dark
Found hiding waiting for the perfect spark.
And in that moment there may come to be
A man, a boy, a child, yet noble he
he who stands for friends, for faith, for love
Shall TRIUMPH over evil clutches come.
He Harry thou courage is thine curse
Yet subtle as the rain thy courage run
For in this courage endless power lies
To end the reign of tyranny alive
In meeting Harry stands before the Lord
Hands steady never shaking yet so cold
HARRY:
“Give up, thou heartless reign is nearly through
Time stands still, thine power cast is old.
New hands set awork against your kind.
Shalt I cast you down and save this time.
For one swift flick my wand will sure carve through
And in that place a hole will set anew.
Death will meet you kindly in my eyes.
But in thou own thou death wilst leave thou blind.
A trepid pain cast through thou wicked bones.
When Harry Potter totters the final stone.
I call thee out thou Lord Voldemort
To cowardly accept defeat of course.
Set down the wand or face the honest fact.
Thy own wand will end your final act.”
VOLDEMORT:
“Don’t laugh my boy thou simple minded fool.
I cannot die without the likes of you.
Too connected are we powerful.
Too drawn into eachother, we are bound.
One’s death with drown the other’s sound.
Thou cannot kill thy own very soul.
For in eachother are our stories fold.”
In a moment fast and furious.
Harry swept his wand and flicked his wrist.
The last words that the boy let leave his lips.
“My one regret is we did never kiss.”
Cliched twist ending:
In their final duel Voldermort hits Harry with a stunning spell. Harry wakes up and finds himself in the hospital. He has been in a coma for the last seven years. He has no magical powers; Hogwarts and the wizarding world were just a dream. . . . . . . or were they?
Yeah, yeah, complete with a kindly old doctor with a long beard, a head nurse who wears a funny hat and likes cats, and the biggest, tallest orderly he’s ever seen…
Quentin Tarantino Style:
Harry kills Voldemort in the middle of the book. The book actually ends when Harry gets ready for the Christmas ball, in the middle of the school year.
This was pretty much one of the best things I’ve stumbledupon all ever.
Brent Weeks style:
Harry dies three or four times in each book, brought back by an ancient magic. He has fallen desperately in love with Ginny, a childhood friend he saved from some rampaging Death Eaters, but is unable to do so when a female rival of his casts a marriage spell on him, rendering him unable to love anyone but the caster. He kills Voldemort anyway and goes and sulks for a long while. He becomes disillusioned with the world. And then he dies.
Again.
And he’s brought back. AGAIN.
Just thought of another one. :D
Jeff Somers style:
Harry grows up beyond his years, mumbling “Too old for this shit” several times a page. He is a gritty, badass sonofabitch with a mean curse-aiming arm. He spends his years fighting the same cyborg enemy (Voldemort). He eventually finds out that Dumbledore has been using him for his own agenda and Aveda Kedavras him right in the face. He walks out a free man.
But he’s still too old for this shit.
R. A. Salvatore style
The entire story is described in intense action combat sequences. The main hero is Draco Malfoy, who rebels against his evil Slytherin kin. Draco becomes a master of wielding two wands at once, a complex style that he uses to deadly effect as he combines acrobatic talents never-seen-before with twin spells.
Harry and Draco begin to work together, although Harry still judges against his kin, believing all slytherins to be evil. Hermione falls in love with the white-haired rebel, but Draco pushes her away repeatedly, unable to imagine what the future of half-Gryffindor, half-Slytherin children would be like.
Harry is defeated in a brutal battle with Voldemort, but survives. Draco doesn’t see this, however, and attempts to take steel-eyed vengeance.
Etc.
Friedrich Nietzsche
It is time, it is the highest time! Lo, I teach ye the overwizard!
What is the muggle to the wizard?
A laughing stock, a thing of shame!
And what shall the wizard be to the overwizard?
A laughing stock, a thing of shame!
Heed not those eaters of death, for I shall teach you… to eat of life!
That you may find life to be all the sweeter!
I teach ye the overwizard!
The overwizard shall be as a bolt of brilliant lightening from the dark cloud of humanity, and shall strike down all eaters of death and dark ones!
Thus spake Harry Potter.
Ian Fleming:
Potter: “Do you expect me to talk, Voldemort?”
Voldemort: “No, Mr. Potter. I expect you to DIE!”
Sophocles Style:
Harry vists Dumbledore’s ghost to gain secret wisdom. He is told that he’s fated to marry his mother and kill his father, which is absolutely not what he wants to hear. On the road back to Hogwarts, Harry and some random wizard get in a road-rage battle, which Harry wins by thumping the other man on the head. Harry defeats Voldemort by answering a famous riddle and is made headmaster of Hogwarts. He marries a Beatrix and they have four children.
Thirty years later, a plague comes to Hogwarts and it is revealed that the man Harry killed was really James Potter and that Beatrix is actually Lily. The prophecy was proved true. Beatrix/Lily hangs herself and Harry uses an ultra-creepy blinding spell to pluck out his eyes. Ron takes over as Headmaster of Hogwarts.
Wes Anderson:
Harry, Hermionie, and Ron decide not to make any more secret plans and meet up with their mother, Voldemort, in a tibetan monastary. He runs away in the morning and the three of them drop all of their luggage and catch another train. The beginning is very sad and dysfunctional.
You are right, this is the best I’ve stumbled on in quite some time! Against the book ending: honestly the Slytherins got an unjustly bad rap; either make them hard-core evil or morally conflicted, not just plain WEAK. I’ll write this after one of my favorite authors…can’t remember the name, but it starts with B. So:
Just before the final battle, Hogwarts students are forced to choose sides. The Carrows and other Death Eaters who had been professorlitized were all booted by Potter under cover of his invisibility cloak. Despite Minerva McGonagall’s well-meaning intentions of sending the underage students to safety, Harry takes charge and points out that, should Voldemort win this confrontation, they won’t have any real hope in any case. (Also he notes that they won’t want to miss the epic battle scene.) Draco Malfoy and company do some swift calculation (okay, Malfoy does some calculation and the others do some grunting) after which Malfoy decides that Potter, insufferably self-righteous and angsty as he is, will probably win the day. At this point he stands upon Slytherin’s table (around which the chaotic debate quiets). Malfoy addresses his housemates:
“Lost in thought, my dear associates?,” he drawls coldly. “Then let me point your way with a notion. I have noticed a disturbing trend, in the past six and a bit years, which I feel obligated to point out. I think we can all agree that Potter and his fellows are generally the weaker in our yearly headbutting contests, correct?” Response: nods and murmurs of assent from Slytherins, glares from others. “Then why have we lost? Lost so consistently that in the past few years we have not even once won any significant contest over them? Why have the Dark Lord and his followers been thus far unable to kill Potter? We took his wand and his friends’, we locked them in our basement, we tortured them- but we didn’t manage to kill them! What is this one-sided providence? Fate is for Potter, it is so clear now! And I, for one, am tired of having the sweet, luscious fruit of victory and glory waved beneath my nose, then snatched away as soon as I feel secure in it! I am, in short, tired of being F**KED IN THE ARSE EVERY DAMN TIME POTTER DECIDES TO SET HIMSELF AGAINST ME! Potter clearly has more on his side than even he knows! I have seen the tight grasp with which the Dark Lord grips his followers! I have no intention of remaining under his thumb for the rest of my life, and if you know what is good for you- if you are not among those too weak to seek power- you must join forces with Potter (though it pains me greatly) and we must defeat He Who Must Not Be Named!” He glares around.
The assembled crowd stares in silence for a bit. “You sound…a little…home..home…uh, gay,” says Crabbe. “No homo.” replies Malfoy coolly, glancing casually in Hermione’s direction. Many of the slytherins join with Potter and company, some of them plotting betrayal. Malfoy turns to Potter, and makes eye contact, each sizing the other up. Malfoy asks, “Well then Potter. What time is it?”
“Game time, Malfoy. Game time.” With that, Potter gathers the army of Hogwarts about him like a cloak, and they set out to find the last Horcruxes together. Seamus feeds Blaise Zabini (one who decided not to join them) to Nagini, who promptly died of blood poisoning. With all of Hogwarts searching, the Diadem of Ravenclaw is easily found and it is placed, along with the other Horcruxes, into some well-controlled Fiendfyre conjured by Professor Slughorn. (epic battle goes here. Teachers do lots of stuff with their subjects, some folks bite the dust. Malfoy kills several Death Eaters, and Lucius Malfoy reluctantly throws down his mask and cloak just when he is about to be killed by his own son. Then, as he is about to join the Potter gang, he catches sight of a mirror and spends the rest of the battle smoothing his hair. The struggle lasts all night, but the Dark Lord is summarily beaten to a pulp when Neville has the bright idea of summoning some rocket launchers. The last words of the Dark Lord come in a tired rattle from his mangled, burning corpse: “Look at the first word of each Paragraph.”
While Ron is going through Snape’s personal files, he finds out that Harry and Voldemort are in fact one person borne to Lily and James Potter, split, so Harry was the good yet bashful side and Voldy (as Lily and James called him,) got the evil and clever side. Whilst Ron was going though the files he also found that he was Snape’s son. In disgust, he threw himself out of Gryffindor tower, landing promptly and Professor Grubblyplank. They both died instantly on impact on one another. Meanwhile, Harry realizes that in order to kill his brother Voldy, he must kill himself. Right when he is muttering the killing curse though, Hermione tries to prevent Harry, thus the cause of Hermione Granger never writing the book she always wanted to right, S.P.E.W for dummies. So, now that Harry has disposed of Hermione, he and Voldy face off in the grounds. Harry points his wand at himself, and utters the killing curse, and Harry drops dead, and Voldy scrathed his bald head in confusion, not knowing Harry in the first place suffered from Bipolar disease. So, Harry’s idea didn’t work, and Voldy ruled the world forever, until he retired and became, as “they” know him, Voldy the killer pimp.
Metal Gear Solid Style
Otacon : Harry, be careful! Voldemort knows everything you’re doing!
Harry : Damn it! What do I do?!
Otacon : I got it! Swtich the controller ports!
Harry: What?
Wayne’s World Ending
As Harry and Voldemort square off in the intense battle, Harry narrowly avoids a killing spell and crawls beneath a rock for safety. Voldemort cackles and chides, “Ha Harry! You forget yourself! Look around, all your friends are dead!”
To Harry’s left, Hermione lies dead and bleeding. To Harry’s right, Hogwarts lie in ruins, everyone inside vanquished. And Cho’s pregnant, that’s why she was so moody. Voldemort cackles once more, and speaks to the reader:
“Ha! You didn’t think he’d win, did you? I mean he’s 18. Come on.”
*record scratch as Ron shows up at Harry’s side”
“Wow, bummer…this can’t be right.”
“Good call,” said Harry, “We can’t end it like this! Let’s do the mega-happy ending!”
*diddly do, diddly do…”
Voldemort falls in defeat as Harry triumphantly strikes down every death eater around with one, awesome move. Ginny runs down and announces she has a record deal. Neville realizes that true love can exist between two grown men, and no one died after all.
Twilight (gag)
Harry falls desperately in love with a Muggle girl after repeatedly using magic illegally to save her life. She begs Harry to use his magic to turn her into a witch, but he resists. Lord Voldemort tricks the Muggle girl into coming with him to Hogwarts, but at the last minute before he says the evil curse, Ron, Hermione and Ginny stupify him and tear his corpse to bits and burn it. Then Harry takes the Muggle girl to the Christmas Ball.
Ultra condensed Anthony Burgess style
Voldemort is forced to unlearn his evil ways through aversion therapy.
One day while walking down the street he is brutally attacked by his
droog-eaters.A beaten and bloody Voldy is taken in by kindly Harry
who does not recognize him.One day while Voldy is singing in the bathtub
Harry realizes why his scar hurts and who is in the tub.
Harry then gives his pal Voldy a earwax bott’s bean which triggers Voldy to jump out the window.Harry is thrown in jail and while in the hospital
Voldy is offered a Ministry of magic job.
At the ministry of magic we see Voldy day dreaming about killing Muggles
in a rather gruesome way.
Voldy “I have been cured alright”
Pan out
This isn’t funny. It’s not clever, its just a rehash of one past work on each of them. Yes I know george lucas wrote star wars, OMG if he wrote harry potter there would be light sabers! what? that makes no sense, its not clever.
Leeroy Jenkins style:
Harry and his friends gather together to evaluate the situation. Using each person’s strengths, they form a plan that would allow them the best chance to succeed, although their chances are still pretty slim. During the final run-through of the plan, Leeroy Jenkins, an eager young wizard, apparates into the middle of the group.
“Alright guys,” he says, “let’s do this.” The others stand there for a moment, puzzled, as he yells, “LEEROOOOOYYYY JEEEENNKIIIIINS!” He then dashes into the clearing of Death Eaters and begins his noble battle.
Dumbfounded, the rest of the group stands there, mouths agape, watching their plan unravel. Ron is the first to say anything, saying, “Oh my God, he just ran in.” The group panics and follows, shooting spells at the enemies at random and hoping for the best. Their frantic shouts echo a terrible fear and panic as they call out injuries and bark commands to each other. As the Death Eaters truly overcome them, their anxieties turn to rage toward Leeroy, the destroyer of their plans. “It’s not my fault!” he cried in response.
One by one, each of Harry’s friends and loved ones was killed at the hands of the Death Eaters. Finally, only Harry and Leeroy were alive on the battlefield, though their deaths drew closer. With his dying breath, Harry said, “Leeroy, you are just stupid as hell.” The last thing Harry heard before he died was Leeroy’s tender response: “At least I have chicken.
There are so many spelling, grammar and syntax errors in your ‘literature’, that it actually makes me want to cry.
Great Site- Super Mario Bros Style!
Harry doges some Voldemort’s free balls (Who turns himself into a turtle)
and after a well timed jump Harry lands on a button that Voldemort falls into dying instantly. Then Harry unties- Ginny and gives Harry a kiss even though he just saved her life. Music and fade to black.
William S. Burroughs
The shoots have grown to remarkable heights. The constipated junkie examines the long red needle protruding from the ghastly wound in his arm. Neck flaps and lollygaggers walk through the shadowed marble valleys and the old weary centipedes. The Boy looks through his glasses for the last time as he stumbles mindlessly through the dark to the halls of white flowers and florescent memories.
The End
J.J.Abrams (Lost)
Harry and Voldemort face off, about to fight …
FLASHBACK
Voldemort is a child, being told by an unidentified parent figure that he has a destiny to fulfill. It is revealed that Voldemort, due to the aftermath of the Final Battle, has been flitting through different time periods and is in fact his own father.
FLASHFORWARD
Harry is seen, 20 years after defeating Voldemort, in an isolated environment. He has to press a button every 108 minute to prevent the paradox of Voldemort being his own father from destroying the space-time continuim.
Douglas Preston/Lincoln Child style:
After the final battle Agent Pendergast shows up and, upon pulling a complete mobile laboratory out of his suit, determines that Voldermort was not the culprit. After intense meditation, he divines that the actual villain of the series was some character you met on page 2 of book 1 and have never heard from since. He confronts said character, kills him, and the book will still somehow manage to end on a cliffhanger
Also, in the standard Douglas Preston/Lincoln Child ending, all of the really cool magical items—the Marauder’s Map, the Pensieve, and all the Hallows—will be destroyed, all the cool magical creatures will mysteriously vanish, and the Room of Requirement will close forever.
Harry, Ron, Ginger and Hermione set out on their final quest to gather and destroy the last Horcruxes. As they travel together they begin to talk of the witches and wizards they have known. It soon becomes clear that the wizard’s world is a vile and cruel place. Harry and Hermione begin to long for the safer and more stable muggle world they have left behind. Ron and Ginger agree that the wizard world really does suck. After all, Ron’s family has been fascinated by the muggle world for several generations.
They begin to see that they are nothing but pawns in a much larger scheme. One dominated by Voldimort and the other by Dumbledore. They are nothing but expendable young wizards that will hardly be missed once one side has won. They resolve to play their own game.
Ron and Ginger go to Valdimort’s side and reveal all the plans to defeat them. New plans are made and Valdimort is sure of victory. The new plans are passed onto Harry and Hermione. They, in turn, help form new plans to defeat Valdimort. As the last final battle draws near, Harry, Ron, Hermione and Ginger withdraw to a safe distance. There, they use what weapons they have to hold the battle even. Each group of wizards is destroyed to the last man. The magic world is crushed by its own desire to dominate the world and other wizards.
In the last scene, Harry and Ginger visit Diagon Alley. It’s a filthy, sad shadow of its former glory. A few pathetic shop keepers are trying to keep going but there are no customers. The bank is a hollow shell, looted of anything of value. They go to the wand shop, over power the owner and smash the last wands left in the world. Harry and Ginger return to his Aunts house. Harry apologizes for being such an ass. She was right; the magic world really was an awful place. She takes in Harry and Ginger promising that she will help them find their way in the real world. His Uncle even agrees to find work for them at his business.
Ron and Hermione open an automobile repair shop. With Hermione keeping the books and Ron fixing cars like magic, they are soon successful and happy.
Nobody ever missed Hogwarts.
Harry, tired of life and suffering (cause he’s a whiney baby), finally snaps and viciously murders everyone at Hogwarts, then finds Dumbledore and murders him. And finally, he hangs himself right outside his cousin, Dudley’s, window. About a year after this, Voldamort blows his brains out from boredom, and all his evil minions die with him.
P.S. Dudley promptly died from a heart attack upon discovering Harry’s body.
Metacalyspe:
Harry, Ron, Neville, Seamus, and Dean all play a song for all wizards in the world, in their band “Wizardklok” meanwhile, the death eaters try to attack the band. Dumbledore calls all his boys in the order of the phoenix to stop him. Dumbledore and Voldemort are in an epic flying scooter, when Bellatrix shoots Dumbledore off his scooter with a cross-bow. Voldemort proceeds to repeditally punch Dumbledores face to a hideous blood pulp. Then Harry kills Voldemort. Dumbledore lies on the ground motionless. You see the boys faces one last time then some omniciant guys tells everyone to wait and see while the rest of “Wizardklok” getting really drunk and drinking bleech while everyone around them keeps dying of accidental causes.
Atlas Shrugged:
Harry finds out that that Sirius and Dumbledore are not really dead, but have instead decided not to let Voldemort take advantage of their productive capabilities any longer, and have gone and hidden in some mountains.
However, he then hears that Hogwarts, the one great symbol of everything that he holds dear, is under attack, and returns to put in one last effort to save it. In the process, he gets Horace Slughorn, magical creatures commodity dealer and spearhead of the free market movement, captured and tortured, which leads ALL the mountain-dwelling capitalists come out to save him, following which they promptly leave Voldemort to destroy himself out of sheer inefficiency.
Oh, and apart from the Mountain Camp, everything degenerates into crap. Because, you know, Voldemort’s gang didn’t ACTUALLY know how to use magic, they just made Dumbledore and Sirius do it for them.
Mr. Galt, You left out the part where Harry explains all of this to the assembled survivors in a 60,000-word speech.
Gehayi, Frank Herbert used that many periods per book, not per paragraph
Shadow Fight 2 style
Harry defeats Voldemort and moves on to close the gates of Hogwarts where he fights Voldy,Snape,Lucius Malfoy’s and 3 more baddies 6 in a row.He defeats them but then Hermione is pulled into the gates by Filch,who laughs in a sinister manner.
Harry fights the baddies again to break their enchantment and then he storms the gates with a giant sword and breaks into a fight with a corrupted Mrs.Norris.Ginny blows her off with a hex and saves HP.
Then the gold galleons and stuff is exchanged for advanced currency and Dumbledore is replaced by an ugly looking alien.
In general everyone is fighting everyone and Filch is a mad scientist who actually controlled Hermione and led her to fight Harry.Her hours of lectures buy Harry enough time to blow off the mind control.Filch loses cover and HP fights him.Filch explodes and HP is caught in it and HP’s scar is lost in the process.
P.S:Voldy was scared of Filch all along