The Jack Bauer Power Hour!

That title’s from over at Dave Barry’s blog where he posts an entry about 24 every Monday, and then his readers pile on with comments as the show runs.

Audrey Raines, daughter of Secretary-of-Defense-William-Devane, is reviled perhaps even more than Kim Bauer was during the first couple of seasons.

“Oh, good, we get to see Audrey bleeding to death, yet again.”

“Crap! Awdrey’s gonna survive.”

“Yeah Audrey’s fine. she’s propped up against a dumpster, bleeding out.”

And everybody thinks this season’s villains are losers compared Marwan….at least until the Jack Bauer v.s. Robocop thing started to shape up.

I haven’t been following the group from the beginning, so I don’t understand some of the references. They call President Charles Logan “President Manilow” because he “makes Barry Manilow look like Vin Diesel,” but I can’t figure out why they call him “President Handbag”…unless it’s because the Miami Herald won’t let Dave Barry say “douchbag.”

On the other hand, I understand the references to the “First Cleavage.” And I agree with everybody about WonderChloe a.k.a. the “sexy pouting goddess of reconfiguring things.”

Here are some other comments lifted from thousands so far this season:

• There will be two hours of canister-huntin’, thigh-shootin’, perimeter-establishin’, moron-president-vacillatin’, Jack-Bauer-style action tonight, starting at 8 Eastern.
• But seriously: I think I have the gist of it. There was a mole at CTU, yes? The 9-year-old that Chloe was boinking? And they figured this out? Of course it’s not much of a mystery: There’s always a mole at CTU. They have some kind of affirmative-action program that requires them to hire a certain percentage of mole-Americans.
• The bastards shot former acting acting president Allstate Insurance Spokesperson!
• The guy actually believed Jack wouldn’t shoot him! Obviously he has never seen this show.
• There’s, like, dozens of agents after Jack. They have NO chance.
• Speaking of canisters: the first lady’s cleavage played a key role in the plot last night. Also, a hobbit is running the CTU.
• Subplot alert! The Hobbit has a crazy sister.
• Audrey talked for like 35 seconds there without weeping.
• President Manilow is definitely sleeping on the First Sofa tonight.
• Twenty minutes and not a single shot fired. What is this? Sesame Street?
• Oooh! Mall security! Those guys are good.
• OK, he’s pretending to be knocked out, right? You can’t knock out Jack Bauer just by hitting him really hard on the head!
• The terrorists are talking to Canister Technical Support.

• imagine being CTU Human Resources…

  “I used to work here, but I got de-instated…”

  “but then I got re-instated…, and then re-de-instated…”

  “is my 401k in a flank 2 position?”

• Yes! Neck breakage!
• Jack is also of course a highly trained paramedic. Later, he will do everybody’s income taxes.
• Does it seem like every 15 minutes, they (a) set up a freaking perimeter, and (b) take Jack back into custody?
• Chloe’s gonna data-mine the files and keep it under the radar. God, I love Chloe.
• Wouldn’t it be funny if Jack actually WENT to the men’s room? For a change? Chloe could flush the urinal remotely.
• Memo: If you ever become president, DON’T give the terrorists your T-Mobile number, because they will NEVER stop calling you.

• “so then I got de-re-de-instated…”

  “but that’s ok, ’cause it got cleared…”

• They’re gonna torture Audrey! Be still my heart.
• Heat signatures AND approach vectors!
• A unit-wide backslash protocol! Those bastards!
• Chloe’s re-tasking the satellite for a full infrared sweep. That is why we love her.
• There’s the old barn, such as you find all over the LA area.

• “We’ll need your manager’s approval to maintain your healthcare coverage…you know, in case you get shot in the thigh…”

  “My manager is in holding…can I have the TAC Team sign off?…”

• Don’t you like hate it when a vector is locked out by a class one priority override?
• I frankly don’t see how Jack is going to get out of this alive. Other than the three-year, $40 million contract, I mean.
• Oh, the old “There’s always a contingency plan” ruse.
• Contingency this.
  Shoot him Jack!!
• It’s over, Christopher. There can only be one.
• whoa!!!!! Thelma and Louise!!!
• Geez, just get under a tree for Pete’s sake! Always with the dramatic gestures that one…
• Okay, the REAL question is, what flimsy excuse are the writers going to give Robocop to let Audrey live when she screws up and lets him get away???
• Scary Sherri! Love her! A total nutbag. In CTU, of course.
• nononononononono not CTU medical.
• “I know, I’ll put my hood up like the Unabomber. They’ll never see me!”
• PS…those British flags on the car…let me go on record as saying that I always suspected Camilla Bowles was behind the whole thing…

And of course…Edgar is still dead.